


The One I Left Behind

by Chubbydumplingbucky



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 17:32:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7396882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chubbydumplingbucky/pseuds/Chubbydumplingbucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lost memories are now slowly coming back. But he always felt something was missing, like he left someone behind. And it wasn't Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Language i don't speak

**Author's Note:**

> CHAPTER 1
> 
> He's Captain America now. He's got his own back.

He was falling. That he noticed, he was falling. An endless fall, and he was crying at the same time. But there were no tears in his eyes. But he is crying on the inside, with this fall he’s dead for sure. But he’s happy too. Why? Because of his face, he saw his face one last time, his best friend, his brother, his family. He wish he could’ve told him how proud he was. He’s saving the country, fighting the war just like how he has dreamt for years. And Then he felt sad at the fact that he won’t see him again, he won’t see him saving the country. He wish that he was there when that happens. But he’s done, he is as good as dead now. Maybe that’s all he is. Maybe that’s his purpose, to save him from all those bullies when he looked like a stick. To try and get him into dates. Maybe, his time is done, because he’s captain America now. 

He’s got his own back.  
Bucky smiled, waiting for the impending fall to come. But it didn’t. He jerked, and opened his eyes. He took a deep breath and took his surrounding. It was white everywhere. He looked to his right and realized he was probably in a hospital. He looked to his left and suddenly felt dizzy. He realized every part of his body hurt. He focused his eyes and almost fainted when he saw he had no arm! Suddenly it became harder to breathe, he tried to calm down. He can’t. He closed his eyes and prayed this was all a nightmare and that Steve actually saved him from that fall.

He heard The door click open and he opened his eyes. It was a woman, she had black hair pulled back, she was in an all white dress with a lab gown, her face was covered with a face mask but he can see her eyes, they were black almost brown, and her eyes are almost like those of a cat. She walked like the dainty lady she was and check his vitals, his temperature, took a few notes, then checked his decapitated shoulder. He flinch and that’s when she looked at him. She looked afraid, and he’s sure he looked terrified. “what happened? Where am i? Is Steve here?” he asked her. He waited for an answer but she only looked down his shoulder, touched it and again took a few notes. She then checked his IV, looked at her clock then left. He heard the door locked on the outside. 

He looked up the ceiling and realized this is not a dream. That woman, she didn’t answer. but why? If she’s an ally then why keep him from what’s happened? He lost his arm, maybe because of the fall, but where is Steve? Is he on a mission?  
Have I been asleep for days? Weeks? Or a month? Now that he thought about it, this place doesn’t look familiar, and its too cold.  
That woman, she didn’t answer him because she doesn’t know how to speak English. He is in the hands of the enemy. In the hands of HYDRA.


	2. Red face

He couldn’t sleep after that, his head hurt with all the thinking his been doing. He’s in the hands of HYDRA and he knows why he’s here recovering, they’ve found him first and now they will probably torture him again.  
He sighed and heard the door open again. She’s back the woman earlier, with a doctor now and a high-ranking official, he knew him, he escaped when steve saved them. They speaked in Russian he guessed. “where am i? Why did you save me?!” he asked, his voice rough from the cold. No one gave a fuck about him. He knew the answers to his questions but he still asked. “I’m thirsty”. That got their attention, the doctor commanded the nurse something probably to get water or food. She looked at me nodded and walked out of the room. 

The doctor and the official didn’t last long, they just talked and honestly they looked excited about something. He didn’t want to know why. Then left.  
A few minutes later the woman came back with a soup and water on a tray. She closed the door with her foot, then settled the tray on the table on my right. She looked nervous, he noticed how she was shaky. She took the glass with water then put a straw, then held it for him to drink “глоток” she said,almost a Whisper. He didn’t understand what she said. He couldn’t hold the glass. He was too weak, she helped him drink, she held his back while he drink. He looked at her while drinking and thought she was a sight. Her lashes were long and dark, her nose was small, her face was almost squared, softened by her chubby cheeks, that looked pale. She looked pale.

He was so focused on looking at her that he gagged when she looked at him. The water splashed, and he coughed some out. She put the glass down and wiped his mouth with a white cloth, and she was blushing when she did that. He looked down embarrassed, because he knew she was blushing because of him. 

“do you speak English?” he decided to change the mood by asking her. But he knew she can’t speak his language, or maybe she was not allowed to talk to him but he asked still. She just looked at him. She looked innocent, with those eyes, trying to understand what he’s saying. “English??”I repeated. she swallowed and repeated “English?” her accent was thick, it almost made her more exotic. She took the cloth to her lap and her eyes looked like she was thinking deep. And finally she answered “No.” she then reach for the soup, and spoon fed him. It was weird being spoon fed, there’s always something motherly about that gesture, being spoon fed and all. And she was blushing the whole time, her hands still shaky. 

The food was good enough, it warmed him enough. When he was done eating, he told her he needed to go to the bathroom. I was healed no more fresh cuts, but still bruised and weak. She nodded and I thank god she understood me or else I would have wet the bed. She helped me get up, my only arm around her tiny waist, she was small, petite. But she held my weight along with my IV. Grunting and taking sharp breaths while walking, we made it to the bathroom. 

I was embarrassed, she’s a lady and I only have one good arm, how am I supposed to pee? Standing in front of the toilet, I was thinking about how I'm going to tell her to help me, and I'm fucked and I only have one arm, but she beat me to it.”разрешите” she said while her shaky hand took my pants zipper down, I gulped and looked at her in the mirror, she was embarrassed too, and her face was red. She appeared to be reaching for my underwear but I stopped her hand he won’t embarrass her more. I peed, while she was turned around, standing beside me, her arms around my waist supporting me. I'm no virgin but I have never been in this kind of situation, it embarrassed me and I know she’s embarrassed too. I fixed my underwear, and she helped me zip my pants. And then she helped me back to bed. Tucked me in. Checked my IV, like she usually did. Took a few notes, then took the tray with her got out the room, locked it from the outside not even saying a word. 

He wanted to say sorry, for putting her in that situation. But he doesn’t know the words to say. So he pushed himself lf to sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Russian words. 
> 
> DRINK  
> LET ME


	3. Fist of HYDRA

As the weeks went by, it was the same routine. She’ll check me every hour, gave me food and spoon fed me every morning, afternoon and evening. I get to have solid foods for a week now. And I feel stronger, able to walk to the bathroom on my own, she gave me baths which is more embarrassing because I felt like a baby. But shut my mouth anyway. I didn’t want her to feel more awkward. So most of the time I just keep a straight face. But I am just a man, and I can’t ignore beauty especially if its in front of me everyday. 

She always has those blush on her cheeks, either from the cold or from embarrassment. He didn’t care, he loved looking at her, she’s all he’s seeing, he’s not allowed to go outside, he doesn’t have a window. So he spent his days just admiring her pretty face. 

One day the doctor and high-ranking official came back. Its been weeks since he saw them and he doesn’t like the happiness this official seemed to possess today. 

“Sargeant Barnes, my name is Arnim Zola. You have had an almost full recovery, but it cannot be delayed anymore” 

The woman came in again looking nervous, I noticed she had been shaking again. I didn’t even know her name but how I wish I knew. More people came to the room and restrained me with straps. I was breathing hard, and shallow almost out of breath. I knew this day would come, Zola, yes he’s with HYDRA. He experimented on me before, when we where captive along with the howling commandos and Steve saved us. 

He’s going to torture me again, I was saved to be tortured again, I was healed to be fucked again. I tried to stay calm but I can’t. She’s there looking at me, she then stepped closer and took a syringe out. She bit her lip and held my right arm. I didn’t struggle, I just looked in her eyes. 

I saw it, while everything was slowly turning black and I saw it in her eyes. She didn’t want this, she’s a victim as well. Everything went black and I’m out. 

I woke up feeling stronger, I’m still strapped in bed. I tried to move but I felt heavier, something didn’t feel right. Until he saw it, silver metal attached to his shoulder, stitches all around his arm to his chest. He suddenly felt sick. He wanted to throw up. The door opened and Zolas back with her and the other doctor. 

“Sargeant Barnes…. The procedure has already started. You are to be the fist of HYDRA.” He said smiling and seemingly proud despite his height. 

“No!” I shouted and I tried breaking free but can’t. 

He laughed, a cruel laughter escaping his ugly face. 

“well technically yes, you will be my best creation. And you will destroy your own country without even knowing it” suddenly he’s face became hard and serious looking straight into his eyes.

“and maybe you get to kill Captain America himself” 

I tried banging my head against his but he got up again heading for the door. He nodded at the doctor who started changing my IV.

“goodnight Sargeant Barnes, I’ll see you tomorrow”

He left with the doctor but she, she stayed. I followed her movements and she started to check my vitals again, my stitches, my IV which I noticed had a different color now. 

She’s leaving again, but i grabbed her hand with my right hand as far as i can reach. She took a sharp breath and looked at me, she looked guilty. Her once hopeful eyes now almost dead with guilt. 

I coughed, “please stay with me” I didn’t noticed there tears ready to fall from my eyes. I knew she didn’t understand what I said but maybe she can understand me through my eyes, my voice, because she stayed still.

She Took a deep breath and said “Подождите” I had no idea what she said but I let her go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RUSSIAN WORDS 
> 
> WAIT


	4. Stolen kiss

She was shaking the whole time. She tried suppressing it but it only got worse, she’s on her way to the doctor. She doesn’t know why but she had to try and not look suspicious.  
She should have just refused him, and go to sleep. But she didn’t, she can’t leave him. 

His eyes where so lost, so scared. She knew those eyes, she saw those eyes everyday. Once in her family’s eyes, her friends, in the mirror looking back at her. she knew it and she can’t ignore it.

She’s the only thing he can count on now. But she had hurt him too, she lied as well. She knew how to speak English. Maybe not fluently but she could understand every word he says.

She felt guilty. She felt she could throw up. He’s the enemy, but she is an enemy as well. But she didn’t have a choice. She’s a victim, and he is a victim as much as she is.  
She knocked on the door, and got in. “I need to keep him in check until tomorrow. He will be asleep for 3 days. tonight will be the worst of his, he can’t slip or else the procedure will fail” she tried her best to keep a straight face. 

Please say yes. 

Zola came in without a knock and just looked at us. The doctor said no. I tried to hide my disappointment and nodded. “Okay sir, ill just rest now”. 

“I am afraid you can’t miss?? “  
I turned and answered Mr. Zola. “maria sir”. 

“ah. Maria, I'm afraid you won’t get a sleep tonight, you keep watch on Sargeant Barnes for the rest of the night”. I almost jumped, but had to hide my smile “of course sir”.  
\--------BUCKY POV--------  
He closed his eyes and tried to sleep but can’t. Those things in the IV, those are not normal fluids. It must be some sort of serum, and it’s making him feel weird. 

The door clicked open but he didn’t open his eyes. He wanted to smile because he knew it’s her, she came back. He heard her heels tap on the floor until she stop in his side.  
He had a weird feeling he can sense exactly where she is. She suddenly brushed his hair away from his face with delicate hands. Her hand staying on his temple. Then it happened, he heard it, he felt it, in his forehead, she kissed him. 

It was innocent, just a peck you give when you tuck your child to sleep. He opened his eyes and grabbed her hand on his temple the straps on his arms now broken. She gasped, clearly wasn’t expecting him to be awake. But she stayed still, not pulling away. Then slowly he placed his metal arm on her face, rubbing his thumb on her cheeks that’s turning pink now. He slowly pulled her lips to his. It was chaste. He was right, she tasted so sweet her lips were so soft it was almost unreal. He looked at her, her eyes still close and her mouth slightly open and pink. He pulled her again for another kiss this time longer, he was right again. She is innocent, her lips inexperienced, and her movements unsure. He wrapped his metal arm around her waist, pulled her chest to his. She is nervous he thought, as he felt her heartbeat, this must be her first kiss. Her hands on his chest trying to block her bosom from him. But he felt her nipples harden, and it only turned him on. 

Then she panicked and pushed herself from him, stumbling backwards landing on her bottom. She was breathing hard, she sat there her eyes wide, her cheeks blushing, and her mouth swollen from the kiss.  
“im… im sorry.” He mumbled sitting up, his chest heaving as well. She slowly stood, then quickly went for the door, almost tumbling again. 

She left. Way to go Bucky.


	5. Down the drain

She rushed to her chamber, and quickly tried to calm herself. He caught her! 

Why did she even kiss his forehead? Yes it was only to keep his demons at bay, she won’t deny that she cared for him. She deeply cared for him, she wanted to save him but she knew she won’t be able to help him. She’s a prisoner here as well. 

What can she do? Yes, a kiss. That’s all she could do, to prepare him from all the hurt and torture he’s going to face for the next 3 days maybe more. But he was awake!  
And he wasn’t mad, instead he pulled her for another kiss.

It was her first kiss with a man, and she would be lying is she says she didn’t like it. But she knew, she shouldn’t be kissing him. But it felt so good. Her body’s reaction to him is all new to her. She’s never been with a man. But she felt good, her heartbeat was so strong she thought it would leave her body. She felt her nipples harden and that’s when she panicked And pushed herself away. She’s breathing hard now.

 

Then she heard it, the alarm setting off. 

She stood quickly from her bed and got out of her chamber. People are shouting outside, soldiers running in the direction of Sargeant Barnes room. 

She gasped, she forgot his straps were broken when she left! He’s escaping! She secretly hope he succeeds. 

She saw Sir Zola nodding at her to come with him. They went to down, further down the headquarters. She’s never been there, but she heard horrible noises coming down there every night and that’s making her more nervous. 

They went out of the elevator and went straight to the 2nd room. It was empty, only a chair full of straps inside and Machines she didn’t want to know the purposes. 

They went inside, Mr. Zola never said a word but she shut her mouth and didn’t ask why he needed her here. 

There was a struggle outside, she turned and her eyes grew wide. Sargeant Barnes was being dragged by several men. He looked like he gave a fight, his brow cut deep and bleeding. He had bruises across his cheeks and neck, his left shoulder upto his chest turned an angry red possibly because he used his new metal arm. He looked at her and she flinched, he looked dead. 

They strapped him in the chair, he was struggling the whole time but it was no use. 

 

“продолжить” sir Zola told the Doctor who came in last. They strapped him completely, then attached the machine in his head, cables everywhere, his mouth gagged. 

He just looked at me the whole time, I tried to hide it but in my eyes I told him I was sorry. Tears were starting to pool around my eyes, when Zola told me to go and rest. 

“Miss Maria, you can go now. Rest, tomorrow will be a long day” he said, that smirk plastered on his face. She nodded and looked at Sargeant Barnes one last time, he looked betrayed. 

Now he knows she can understand English, now he knows her name, he always asked her what her name was everyday but she acted like she didn’t understand him. She didn’t want him to know her name. Now he knows she could have spoken to him the whole time but chose not to. 

She dragged her feet outside, and took a glimpse of him just before the door was closed. 

She felt ashamed, she betrayed him and even had the guts to steal a kiss from him. Now everything’s going down the drain, she’s afraid. 

What will they do to him? Punishment is out of the question since he tried to escape. But after that what? She prayed, and hoped if any god can hear her help him. 

She couldn’t sleep that night, her heart ripping her body with every scream she heard, it was him. She heard him, call for help, for Steve. And how she cried praying that Captain America comes and save them both. No, even just him. If captain America can save him, she will be at peace. 

It was almost dawn, her eyes snapped when she heard the door open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RUSSIAN WORDS 
> 
> PROCEED


	6. Bloody sheets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter is a bit hard for me to write, since i wanted it to be less disturbing. But here it is!

She quickly sat up and squinted on the light coming from outside the door. Her breath caught in her throat when she saw him standing there, breathing hard. He’s escaping again and he’s taking her with him? Is that what this is? Or maybe he’s going to kill her because she betrayed him. But she hoped not. 

“Soldier, please proceed” she heard Mr. Zola say behind Sargeant Barnes. 

So he’s not escaping, and why is he calling him soldier? Why is he free to walk around? She gripped the hem of her dress and tried to stand but it was too late. Sargeant Barnes pushed her back on the bed. She took a sharp breath as her head hit the bed post. 

“Mr. Zola, I don’t understand! Please!” she cried. 

 

“you take care of her soldier, this is your first mission. Do not disappoint Hydra” then he closed the door. 

 

He’s still standing beside her bed, just looking at her. She tried to calm herself as she slowly sat up.

“Sargeant Barnes, I am sorry. I lied. Please. Forgive me.” She tried so hard to speak English, her accent so thick she wasn’t sure if he understood her. 

He didn’t respond, but when he took another step, she stood quickly and aimed for the door. But strong metal arms held her waist. She was off the ground now, she tried kicking but the struggle only made things painful but she didn’t stop. He threw her on the bed, before she can blink he was already on top her. 

 

“No!” she tried hitting him with her elbow, but it didn’t seem to affect him. He only looked at her. He looked dead, more dead than he had been weeks ago. She Slapped him, but he’s dragged both her hands on top of her head caged within his strong metal hands. 

Oh god! He’s not going to kill me, he’s. He’s going to rape me!

She struggled, her tears already falling from both her eyes, she was panting. She’s never been with a man, in this time of war, men and sex was never her priority. But how she regretted that now, she’s not stupid. The first time always hurt, even consensual. And now she will lose a part of her she will never get back. 

 

“No please…” it was almost a Whisper.

He dipped his head into her neck, and inhaled her scent. She fought the shiver running down her spine, but she's already shaking. His metal arm still holding her arms up without loosening, he looked at her.

 

That’s when she felt his warm hand lift her dress, he was looking at her now but she chose to close her eyes and swallowed hard. He tugged at her panties and ripped them. She whimpered and tried to close her knees together, but his grip on her thigh was painful. He positioned himself between her legs and started kissing her neck, she was crying the whole time. She breathes through her mouth and not her nose anymore her teeth gritting. Her whole body shaking, that’s when she heard him take his pants off. 

“No, please! Remember me! You can’t!” she appealed but he didn’t listen.

She kept struggling, when she felt his tip touch her entrance. She cried louder when her kicks didn’t even make a difference. She yelped when He entered without warning, and it hurt. It was painful, she thought she was on fire, he kept pounding on her, that she thought she will rip open. Her tears are fat and falling on the sides of her face entering her ears. 

His grip on her arms tightening with his thrust, with her bones numb. 

She wanted to close her eyes, but its here now. She won’t be able to escape this situation. 

Instead she looked at him. She’s still crying but the sound of her pain was not as loud as before. She saw him pick his pace, and she thought she’ll die from the strength of his thrust. 

She saw him Bite his lip, and scrunch his face and release a growl of pure ecstacy. “fuck!” he growled. She felt him spill his seed inside her, filling her with her own blood and his semen. He kissed her, but she didn’t move. She just looked at him. Her eyes didn’t betray him. 

How did this man turn into this monster? Why did I let this happen to him? To me? This man he wasn’t like this, he was my friend in a way. She even cares for this man despite this. They must’ve done something to him, down there. She heard his scream of pure agony just hours ago and that says a lot. 

He left her there exposed and cold, her once white sheets are now bloody. He closed the door locked it even. But she wondered, will he even remember?


	7. Soldier?

She felt sore, and her whole body hurt. She slowly sat up and whimpered because moving made everything more painful. She saw her thighs stained with blood and semen. Her sheets had stains as well. She looked dead walking to the bathroom, every step reminds her of what she lost. 

When the doctor came in without knocking she knew there was no time to mourn her loss.

“no time to fix yourself, shower later. You come with me now, Mr. Zolas orders” he then left. 

She tried to move as quickly as she possibly can. She splashed water on her face. Took a new panty, and wore it under her blood stained dress. She took her lab gown and wore it as well. Her inner thighs still stained with blood, she smelled like blood. She looked back at her bed and saw the mess, it was bloodstained now. All her innocence gone just a few hours ago. But she could cry and clean herself later. 

 

BUCKY POV 

 

He’s on straps again when he woke up. He remembered trying to escape but failed. He remembered being dragged down here, and he remembered kissing her before all this. 

His head hurt, it was almost unbearable. What did they do to him? He looked down and saw blood on his pants, his brows furrowed. He didn’t remember hiw he got those blood, he doesn’t have wounds anywhere near his pants.  
That made his head more painful.

The door opened and Zola along with the doctor and she came in. The woman he kissed, he heard them call her name when he was being strapped. It was Maria, he smiled at the idea of her innocent name. 

It suits her he thought. He looked at her, and she looked terrified. Her eyes looked like she cried and didn’t sleep at all. She looked tired and almost in pain, her movements not as fluid as before. He noticed how her walk was almost like she's dragging herself. He frowned, what happened to her? 

“Sargeant Barnes, I assume you still know my name?” he smiled, that ugly smile. 

“Zola” he answered, his eyes piercing him. 

“ah.. Then do you remember her?” he pointed at Maria. 

“what do you want?” he asked defiantly. 

“you don’t? Well you see, we don’t tolerate traitorous actions here in Hydra. So when we see it, we kill it. Very simple.” He walked around him, while Bucky looked at Maria confused. 

Zola held his metal arm and continued to speak.  
“Miss Maria here has always been a sight. Every soldier here wants to ring her bell, but no one succeeded. Not until last night.” 

Bucky gulped and looked at her, he now noticed how her usual white dress had blood stains. Her thighs had them too. He took a deep breath and looked up to her face. She’s crying now. What’s happening? 

Zola leaned in his left ear but didn’t Whisper.  
“You’re a lucky guy, you got take her last night. Forcefully. I can’t blame you, being a womans first is always special.” 

He’s eyes are wide, looking at her. Shaking his head. “You’re lying! I didn’t… I don’t… I don’t remember… did i?” 

Zola stood up, “our first test is successful then. Miss Maria thank you for your cooperation. Oh and Soldier? Pray she's not pregnant, or ill have her dead. I have no use of pregnant women. I’ll leave you two now.” Zola slowly walked to the door, his footsteps light and happy. 

It’s just him and Maria now. Alone in a room, he’s strapped but if what Zola said was true then he raped her. He forced himself on her, he can’t trust himself now. And fuck his head hurts like hell. 

“Sargeant Barnes” she spoke.  
He looked at her, guilt all over his body.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know, what did they do to me?” he tried to reason himself but found no logical conclusion. 

“no need for apologies Sargeant Barnes, Mr. Zola was right, I was being traitorous when I asked to stay with you that night. It was a punishment I deserve. But I do not wish it even for my worst enemy.” 

 

“you speak my language” he looked on the ground. 

“Good day Sargeant Barnes. They said you will need a rest for today.” Then she left, her movements appear more painful to watch now that he knew he’s the one who caused it. That explains his bloodstained pants. 

He’s no hero now, he’s evil and he didn’t even know it. He didn’t know if he wants to remember how he took her innocence or not. Everything’s blurry. 

What would Steve say? Oh Steve, his best friend. He smiled remembering his best friend who got beat up in every alley. He was Steve hero too, he saved him when no one did, he believed in him when no one did. But now, Steve would be so disappointed. He’s worse than those scums who beat him before. 

 

LATER THAT EVENING... 

 

He heard footsteps outside his cell, he got a feeling his senses are amplified now with whatever serum they injected to him. 

He closed his eyes and listened, its her! What is she doing here? To check my vitals like she usually did? 

The door opened. She looked nervous and panicking. Closing the door she quickly run to him, and unstrapping him. 

“what are you doing?!” he asked. His voice rough even when Whispering. 

“you need to go, let me help you. Go home. You can’t stay here, they… they will use you!” she answered her accent still thick but he understood her. 

He nodded. And quickly got up. She led him through tunnels, stairs, and doors. It was surprisingly quiet, no soldier was on sight, out to get them. They have successfully got out the facility. 

“go now!” she said pushing him into the woods  
“come with me, please!” he grabbed her hand.  
“I can’t my family, they….. 

Bang. 

The sound of gunshot ring through his ears. She fell forward on her knees, they shot her! He growled and attempted to fight them. But she pushed his thigh to run. 

“go now, leave me. Go to Captain America.” She’s spitting blood now. And he couldn’t move, he knelt in front of her and held her face.

“I won’t leave. We will have our chance soon.” He held his arms up to surrender. Soldiers pouring around them, Zola just behind. 

“You seriously thought you'd escape? I kept you going this far soldier, i wanted to see how far she'd go for you. You’re a loyal pet, good. Surrendering to your master. Good qualities indeed.” Zola then looked at Maria. 

“but you, you never learn. And I thought you were smart.” He pointed his gun at her, soldiers now have strapped and electricuted Bucky, he couldn't move. 

“lesson learned, never mess with Hydra” he pulled the trigger and she slump forward. Her body jerked a little then laid there lifeless. Her eyes still looking at him. He pictured her eyes one last time, he shall never forget them. He cried silent tears for her. He saw men carry her body while laughing. 

Everything went black. 

 

PRESENT TIME 

 

“Longing, Rusted, seventeen, daybreak, furnace, Nine, benign, homecoming, one, freight car. “ 

He looked to his left and saw a man who greeted him with a cocky smile. 

“Soldier?” he asked.

“ready to comply” he answered.


	8. Awaken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will take place after civil war.

“Are you sure you have the right information?” Steve asked. 

King T'challa continued to stare at Steve. “Yes, they’re planning to sell it on the black market. Probably moving the shipment now.” 

Steve took a deep breath and looked across the vast forest of Wakanda. 

“we have to tell them, everyone. Even Tony.” his face portrays that of a sad friend. Tony is still his friend, no matter what. 

“perhaps its time to wake him, if there’s anyone fit to do this mission it’s him” King T’challa stood beside Steve, he’s eyes upfront. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, authorities are still on the look out” Steve worried. 

“I think Tony will come to his senses, this is a chance to get those people behind Buckys actions. The real reason his parents died.” King T’challa put his hands out from his pockets. 

“its your call Captain, you know him more than anyone here.” He touched Steves shoulder and left the room. 

You’re right.. I know him, I know he’ll want to do this.. Steve thought. 

 

\----------------

 

“Are you sure about this? I mean. He doesn’t trust his own mind..” Sam whispered to no one in particular. But everyone heard him. 

“Sam, this is not the time.” Steve answered seriously. 

Sam raised his hands in an attempt to surrender and not argue with Steve. 

The sound of Bucky gasping for air registered in their ears. 

“Bucky? Still remember us?” Steve stood and went to him. He’s guard down. 

Sam stood his ground, prepared if ever Bucky decides to retaliate. But he didn’t. 

Bucky nodded and smiled still catching his breath, his hair a bit longer now, his stubble more prominent darkening his face. 

“we will give you a new arm” King T’challa announced. “You’re operation shall start as soon as you feel better” 

“why?” Bucky asked, seemingly surprised by King T’challas announcement. 

“we need you now Bucky. We have received an information that there are 4 more winter soldiers like you. It’s said that they’re still in cryostasis. But if they get into the wrong hands, I don’t think it will be a beautiful sight. I can’t imagine 4 people like you. “ Steve squeezed Buckys shoulder. 

“but we won’t force you into this, we’ll understand if you don’t want to be involve.” Steve looked straight into Buckys eyes. 

“But I am involved Steve. I need to stop this, this could be my way of redemption.” Bucky held Steves hands on his shoulder. 

“you said 4 soldiers? I remember training 3 Soviet soldiers like me. All of them are assholes.” Bucky gritted his teeth. 

“you trained them? That makes them more dangerous. But it doesn’t matter as long as we get them first. Rest now, tomorrow you’ll have your new arm.”  
King T’challa nodded to Bucky. 

Bucky nodded as well. “thank you.” 

 

\--------------------

 

Bucky woke up that morning with a new vibranium arm.  
He stretched it, opened and closed his hands. 

He smiled when he saw the symbol of captain America in his arm rather than the old red star. 

Steve entered along with Sam, he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his head. He gripped it hard and growled. 

Steve and Sam was quick to get on his sides. “what’s wrong Buck? Sam call the doctor” 

“ahh!! No!! I.. I had flashes of memories. It will subside Steve, don’t worry.” Bucky said through gritted teeth. 

“this operation must’ve triggered memories. You know, you getting the operation, you waking up with a metal arm.” Sam shrugged looking at Steve for agreement. 

“you’re right, I remember Zola. There was a doctor, and… and… there was a woman. I can’t. I can’t remember her face.” Bucky now more calm, beads of sweat forming in his forehead and neck. 

“its all just bad memories Buck, you don’t need to pressure yourself to remember them.”  
Steve tapped Buckys shoulder and smiled. 

“I gotta go now, tell the King himself that you’re awake now. See you later Bucky.” Sam winked and stepped outside the room. 

 

“we need to get them now, before it’s too late steve.” Bucky spoke, he’s face straight. 

“and Tony, I hope he forgives you. He doesn’t need to forgive me, I deserved all his hate.” He took a deep breath. 

“Bucky.. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” 

“let this mission be my redemption, let me help you bring hydra down, every single one of them.” Bucky looked at his metal arm. 

“let’s start with this 4 soldiers.”


	9. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used some of the lines and names from the Comic itself.

“Clint is already on the move, he says the shipment is split into two. But still seems to be going in the same direction, London.” Steve announced in the room. His arms crossed, and his eyes focused. 

“we need to start moving, Clint and Scott are holding up now. But we can never tell.” Sam spoke. Everyone nodding. 

“tonight we move out. Everyone prepare. Wanda you stay here, just in case.” King T’challa announced. 

“I should go alone, there’s no need for me to drag you all into this. Those men, I trained them, but I haven’t seen them for years. It is too much trouble, let me handle this.” Bucky spoke, looking at Steve for support. 

“look Buck, we are a team. If anything, we dragged into this not the other way around. We woke you up in your sleep because we thought you’d like to do this.” Steve answered. Buckys mouth became hard. 

“We can’t allow you to go alone, Clint and Scott is already there waiting for us. You will only go, if we come with you.” King T’challa added. 

“You’re not the ghost you always thought you were, you’re no longer the winter soldier. We work together. Now do you have anything to add about this soldiers you trained? ” Steve asked Bucky. 

Bucky nodded. “It’s was a project called The Zephyr project. they’re three Russians, very patriotic. Arkady, the vicious spetsnaz killer. Leo, the enigma, never trusted him. And Dmitri, the loyal soldier for his country. The one I actually liked.” Bucky explained. 

Wanda shifted in her sit, and spoke. “but there were four soldiers in cryostasis, did you just forget one of them? Maybe I could help?” 

“it won’t take long, ill just take a peek.” Wanda asked again when no one seemed to like her idea. 

“do it.” Sam nodded to Wanda, who stood and walked in front of Bucky. 

Bucky stayed still, and looked at Steve.   
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “don’t take too long, I don’t want to scare you.” 

Wanda smiled and extended her arm to Buckys temples. Everyone gathered around them, standing. Wanda closed her eyes and her breath hitched after a few seconds. Sweat was now forming on her face and neck. 

She was now shaking, and she gasped when she stopped. Her breath now erratic, she looked like she would cry any minute now. She looked pale, Sam assisted her back. 

“what did you see? You okay?” Sam asked Wanda, worried. 

Wanda still breathing hard now standing on her feet. 

“I’m sorry, I.. I.. shouldn’t have let you.” Bucky interrupted. 

“no it’s… I’m fine really… I just, I didn’t see the fourth soldier. But I saw the three.” Wanda looked sad, like someone died. 

Bucky looked at her and saw the look in her eyes, it was almost she knew something he didn’t. Bucky wanted to ask her but, Sam already took her out. Probably taking wanda to her room since she won’t be coming with them tonight. 

Bucky headed to his room as well. Preparing himself for the mission. 

\----------------------------- 

WANDA POV 

 

She took a shower, and dressed herself. All of them are going now, but she will have to stay behind just in case. She smiled at thought, she remembered captain America himself telling her that she could beat them all. Maybe he really did trust that she can hold on her own. 

“Wanda, you take care alright?” Steve said to her. 

She nodded. “let’s go.” She heard from her behind, she turned and saw Bucky. 

“Again I’m sorry, if you saw anything uncomfortable earlier “ he looked at her. 

“no. Its not the first time, it happens. Please don’t apologize.” She hoped she didn’t looked as miserable as before. 

He nodded. And went with the others. 

Sam smiled at her, which she returned. “we’ll contact you as soon as possible.” 

She watched them go, they’re backs slowly fading away. 

She remembered the memories she saw from Buckys mind, it was sad. He knew Natasha and even trained her, but he also loved another woman before Natasha. But sadly she died, she saw her dying through Buckys eyes. It was the memory she couldn’t take that she had to stop. 

She prayed that Bucky will find happiness again, perhaps Natasha can fill the hole like she did years ago. She wondered if Natasha remembered Bucky.


	10. Mystery

“it’s gone, it was empty.” Bucky announced when he and Steve regrouped with King T’challa, Sam and Scott inside the old building in London. 

 

“he could be anywhere now, and he didn’t wake up the right way.” Bucky continued. He looked at the blood splattered around them, the smell is strong but he was immune to them. 

“what do you mean Buck?” Steve asked. 

“it looked like he’s been awaken violently, the cryostasis tube was a wrecked. It's not supposed to be like that, I know it. I’ve been there. You don’t wake a sleeping soldier like that.” Bucky walked closer to to cryostasis tubes. Their shoes now wet. 

“something must have happened before we even got here.” Steve looked at King T’challa. 

“we couldn’t save them, two sleeping soldiers now dead. They have Been shot while we were fighting. They didn’t want us to have them.” King T’challa told Bucky. 

“this one’s holding on, though she doesn’t look like a soldier to me.” He looked at Bucky, his brow up. “did you train her?” 

Bucky now much closer looked at the sleeping soldier, she was pale. Her body doesn’t looked like a super soldier like Sam said. Her hair long and black, flowing around her naked body inside the cryostasis chamber. He doesn’t remember training her, he trained soldiers regardless of their gender. But not her. He looked at Steve. 

“I don’t remember training her, but we should take her still. Maybe we could still help her. Maybe she knows valuable information about Hydra.” Bucky spoke. He’s head now hurting a little, not because of the fight. 

“Bucky take her out of that thing, Sam help him and cover her please.” Steve nodded at King T’challa who looked at Scott. 

“we’re going now, with one naked sleeping soldier Clint. copy?” Scott was smiling now, but stopped when he the look on everyone’s eyes especially Steve. "copy that." 

“don’t mind him, he’s conservative.” Sam told Scott with a smile. 

“old school.” Scott murmured. 

“she’s kinda heavy you know, but I can manage. I guess.” Sam was trying to carry the naked soldier but can’t seem to focus, his cheeks now blushing. He cleared his throat and tried to walk ahead of them. 

“I’ll take her.” Bucky told Sam, before Sam could even protest Bucky already had the naked woman with him like it was nothing. 

“are you gay or something? Because how can you do that? She’snaked, and wet, and you get to carry her.” Sams face was confused but he looked serious. 

“she’s a soldier like me, clothes or without clothes it’s the same.” Bucky kept a straight face. Walked ahead of them. 

Everyone was speechless including Scott who rarely shuts his mouth. Steves face is blushing as well.  
“let’s get this over with or they will leave us here.” 

 

The ride back to Wakanda was rather awkward, Steve and Sam have been blushing the whole time. While King T’challa chose to sit beside the pilot and leave them be. Scott was having fun though, he couldn’t hold his laugh.

“you’re an asshole.” Sam rolles his eyes and turned away. 

“Language please.” Steve coughed, his eyes avoiding the womans naked body. 

Bucky just stayed still, holding the stretcher the woman was sleeping on. He covered her with a blanket now, but she was wet from cryostasis and still melting some ice so the blanket just clung to her naked body. 

He wasn’t a hypocrite. He’d be lying if he says that she wasn’t attractive or doesn’t affect him. She was beautiful, her face was the face of an old beauty. Timeless. Her body was not bad too, she had hips that are made to bring strong babies, she had ample breast that would make anyone a sinner, her waist was slim he felt like he could wrap his hands around them easily. But he noticed scars. 

She had lots of scars, big and small. Different shapes, knives, guns, it was all on her body. She looked like a masterpiece. Across her belly is a scar that’s hard to miss. She’s been through hell too. Just like him. 

 

BACK IN WAKANDA 

Everyone was now entering they’re building along with the naked soldier. Wanda was already at the door though, she seemed nervous. 

“What is it Wanda?” Steve asked her, everyone stopped walking and looked at her. 

Wanda just looked behind her, and there Natasha along with Vision and Tony came out. 

“Captain Rogers. Hello everyone” Vision greeted them. 

“Do not try anything here.” King T’challa warned Tony. 

“we’re not planning on harming any of you. And that includes that metal arm old man right there.” Tony looked at Bucky then Steve. He tossed Captain Americas shield back. 

Steve held it looking confused. 

“we received an info, now let’s get inside or that lady soldier over there is going to melt away.” Tony turned his back and went inside along with Vision. Natasha stayed and looked at Bucky.

Bucky looked confused but when he saw Steve nodding and walked behind Tony Stark, they all followed. 

“still don’t remember me?” Natasha asked Bucky but he didn’t answer. He remembers her, he trained her in the red room, he even slept with her. Byt he didn’t tell. 

 

OUTSIDE THE ROOM OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER 

“what? you know her? For all we know she’s been asleep forever.” Sam asked Tony. 

“oh but I do, she used to work for my company like 5 years ago. Trust me, I’m good with faces.” Tony answered back. 

“I didn’t have the reason to suspect that she could be Hydra because she was nice, she was actually very smart as far as I can remember. But she just suddenly poofed. Gone. And now that I think about it, it was around the time that this winter soldier over here introduced himself.” Tony turned to face Buck, sitting beside Scott. 

“what are you implying?” Bucky spoke. His voice hard. 

“oh nothing really just that maybe you and your Hydra bosses might have planned this already, to get inside us.” Tony now seemed to challenge Bucky. 

“Tony. Stop right there. I trust that Bucky won’t have anything to do with this, he didn’t know her.” Steve interrupted and stood. 

Nobody noticed how Wanda flinch when Steve talked. She knew something they didn’t. She asked herself if he should tell them. 

“ he does know her.” Wanda suddenly talked. 

Heads snapped at Wanda, making her feel more nervous. Bucky looked at her confused. 

“I saw her, in Buckys mind. She…she died.” Wanda continued. 

Bucky took a deep breath and took everything in.  
“how come I can’t remember her? And if she died, then why is she here?" 

“maybe your mind is still on the process of remembering.” Clint spoke. 

“you can’t push it, it takes time.” Natasha added. 

“She’s awake now, let’s go inside.” King T’challa suddenly announced. 

 

Everyone gathered around the bed of the soldier, she looked at everyone. One by one. She now wore a hospital gown and hospital gown only. Making Steve and Sam still uncomfortable. 

“Still remember me? I used to be your boss.” Tony spoke first. 

She shook her head, and tried to look around again. 

“that’s sad, but do you know him?” Tony asked again.  
Now pointing at Bucky. 

Everyone looked at her, waiting for her answer. 

She looked at Bucky and her breath hitched. 

“You??? I know you… you… you raped me…” she answered, her voice cracked. 

Everyone gasped. 

Buckys brows furrowed. 

“wait, so you’re not gay!?” Scott spoke.


	11. EMPTY SPACE

“Shut up Scott.” Sam immediately responded. Scott just kept his mouth shut. 

“You’re a liar, James is no rapist.” Natasha sounded mad defending Bucky. “You’re obviously lying, you didn’t remember Tony, your own boss but you remember Bucky raping you?” 

Everyone was silent and shocked at how Natasha was reacting. 

“everyone stay calm, Natasha what’s making you act like this?” Sam interrupted the tense atmosphere. 

“I knew him.. I knew James. You call him Bucky, but I called him James “ Natasha took a deep breath and continued. “he trained me in the red room and he and I, we had a thing.” She looked at Bucky and smiled. “he wasn’t a rapist, he will never do that. I know he probably doesn’t even remember me, but I know him. I remember him.” 

Bucky was quiet the whole time, taking deep breaths because his head hurts more and more. 

“Nat, he killed people but he can’t rape anyone? Look you’re probably attached to him and all but that doesn’t prove his innocence.” Tony spoke. 

“please don’t fight.” The soldier spoke again, she looked at Bucky her eyes starting to water. “he did raped me, but… but he was under orders. He didn’t know what he was doing. “ 

“I’ll kill them all. I swear.” Bucky spoke angrily and stood. 

“I’ll make sure that happens Buck.” Steve had his arm around Buckys shoulders in an attempt to calm him. He looked back at the soldier. “What’s your name by the way?” 

The soldier looked confused, she looked at her lap, and her hands. She was still pale. “I can’t remember.”

“what are you going to do with me? Are you going to kill me?” she asked them. 

 

“we will not kill you, unless you give us a reason to.”  
King T’challa answered, “you should get yourself comfortable, try and remember. Anything. You tell me, you tell us, and we will listen.” 

She nodded, and kept her head down when she saw everyones faces. Her head hurt and she still felt cold. 

Everyone left but Vision and Wanda stayed. 

“My names Wanda and this is Vision.” Wanda smiled at her. “Vision can you give us a moment?” 

“of course, I'll be outside.” 

When Vison left, the soldier still had her head down. “I can help you remember, I can look into your mind, your memories.” Wanda told her. Her voice was like an Angel, and she had an accent too. 

“I don’t think I’m ready.” She answered. Wanda held her hand and she lifted her chin. 

“please tell me when you are, I can be your friend. We’re a family here. You can trust us.” Wanda smiled, a genuine one. And the soldier nodded. 

 

\----IN THE LIVING ROOM----

 

“So you and Bucky huh?” Scott spoke to Natasha. 

“Yeah Nat how come you never told us?” Steve added, he looked at Bucky standing by the window, he looked awful and angry. “and Buck, did you remember Nat too?” 

“I never told you guys because he doesn’t even remember me, and no one asked. And who are you again?” she turned to Scott. Her brows lifted. 

“wha? oh come on!” Scott was going to answer Nat but Sam beat him to it. “Natasha, this is Scott. You fought him remember? Anyway, I could talk to her you know. Make her realize she’s safe with us.” 

“The activation codes, or Trigger words were sold. We don’t know who has it, although 2 soldiers are now dead one is still on the loose and we have the female soldier.” King T’challa spoke, he’s still wary of Tony, too many avengers are in his territory. He’s posture was a man that deserves all the respect. 

He continued talking. And looked at Tony, and Vision who now entered the room with Wanda behind. “You will be treated as guests, but do any harm to my people or Captain Rogers, or Bucky Barnes, and even the soldier. You will regret it, I promise you. I pledge to myself that I will help Sargeant Barnes, he is a victim as well” He left with that, nodding at Steve. 

 

Steve took a deep breath and looked at Bucky “everyone rest, eat, I don’t care but we’ll talk tomorrow.” 

Scott and Sam went first, saying they will eat at the kitchen. Tony and Natasha stayed with Steve and Bucky. The room was silent until Tony spoke. 

“I still don’t trust you, and I probably never will. But there are more important things other than vengeance.” He looked at Bucky, his eyes never betrayed the things he said. He meant them. 

Bucky nodded, and told Steve he will be in his room. And left.  
Natasha quickly went after him, leaving Steve alone with Tony. 

“Well, do you want to eat? I’m starving and I want to taste the food of Wakanda.” Tony went to the direction where Scott went with Sam, Steve just stayed still, took a deep breath and went to the other direction. 

\---BUCKY POV----

Bucky was about to enter his room, when he noticed that Natasha is still following him. He was tired, he wanted to ignore her, He opened his Door, but couldn’t close it since Natasha was already there in front of him, her foot keeping the door open. 

“I don’t believe her you know.” She looked straight into his eyes, she seemed mad at the idea that he slept with someone else, not necessarily raping them. “tell me, do you still don’t recognize me James?” 

“Listen Natasha, I don’t have ti—“ he couldn’t finish his sentence because she was already kissing him, her arms was around his neck pulling him closer, he didn’t respond, he stayed still, he looked at her like it was nothing. Natasha saw it and that made her jump back. 

“I don’t understand James, we.. We we’re in love.. How come?..” Bucky thought she looked so lost, he felt sorry for her and for him as well, they don’t deserve this, she doesn’t deserve this. 

“it was a long time ago Nat, we can’t just go back. Things changed, and I don’t.. I’m not sure if I still feel the same, maybe you don’t too. Maybe you’re just as confused as me.” Bucky tried to reason himself, just to try and make her feel better but he himself was not sure how to feel. 

He looked at her “I’m really sorry Natasha.” She slowly stepped back, looked at the ground and nodded. “goodnight James.”

“Goodnight Nat.” he said, and closed the door. He released the breath he didn’t realize he was holding, he sat on his bed, his hands resting on his lap. 

 

Natasha will always have a special place in his heart, she understood him, what he did, what he went through. She filled a gap in his life, a gap he didn’t know what was the cause but he knew it was there. A space deep inside him that’s been waiting to be filled, with either love? Lust? Care? He doesn’t know, but when someone gave it to him he took it. 

But looking at Natasha now, in a life where his best friend and only family left is alive, he can’t feel a thing. He thought perhaps it will make him feel complete in a way. But no, he was wrong, even with Natasha and Steve around he still feels the gap inside him, just an empty space floating on his stomach. 

He rubbed his eyes and decided to just sleep. He doesn’t care if he hasn't eaten yet. It’s not the first time he will sleep without food in his stomach.

**Author's Note:**

> Know that i haven't actually read all the comics. I don't have access to them, especially the old volumes. But I'm currently reading some of the newest release of captain America and winter soldier. I just had this idea in my mind and i had to write it. Please bear with me since English is not my language lol! I also have an instagram @chubbydumplingbucky


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